[ OPENING SEQUENCE ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. JOEL, TOM and CROW are at the desk, deep in discussion. ] CROW: I'd say he would grow up with eating habits memorized, but not internalized. He'd eat healthily but not understand why. TOM: The answer has to depend on whether the child can shapeshift. That changes everything. JOEL: [ Touching CROW and TOM's shoulders ] Oh, hey, we're on, everyone. Hi there, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. This afternoon we're going to participate in a hideously evil experiment, and before that we're discussing a 'Winnie the Witch' cartoon Hanna- Barbera made in the 60s. TOM: In this short, an error from the storks delivers a baby to the weakly Witch Hazel-like Winnie Witch, and she adopts it. CROW: But the baby's reluctant to drink milk, so she turns it into a kitten. JOEL: And we're debating the long-term developmental challenges this may inflict on the baby. CROW: Such as confusion over self-identity and body image. TOM: And whether it'd ever learn to eat healthily. If habits are learned by storing memories in that big ol' chemical soup of the human brain, then how are they wrecked by completely rewriting the kid's biochemistry, from cat to kid and so on? JOEL: So far we don't know. TOM: I'd say it depends if the kid can shapeshift on his own. If he can, then when he's hungry for -- let's say -- Brussels sprouts, he'll turn into a beaver or whatever eats them. When he needs meat, he'll become a basset hound or whatever. CROW: When he needs plankton he'll turn into a whale. TOM: Exactly, Crow, you get it. JOEL: Uh, guys, humans don't eat plankton. TOM: Just because you don't, don't assume nobody ever does, Joel. JOEL: It's just not something we can eat. CROW: Maybe that's the problem. Did anyone ever transmogrify *you* when you were growing up, Joel? [ JOEL shakes his head and starts to answer ] Aha! That's it! TOM: Yeah! Your problem isn't that this kid is getting the benefits of a proper polytheriomorphic childhood. CROW: You're just jealous that you never got to be anything other than a poor little human. TOM: Aw, Joel, why didn't you share your pain with us? CROW: We'd have understood. JOEL: Guys, it's not like that. Humans aren't supposed to -- CROW: No, no, don't talk. TOM: We love you no matter what you weren't in your past. CROW: We'll help you through this. TOM: You can hold us, if you like. [ JOEL sighs, gives up, and hugs TOM and CROW. ] JOEL: You guys are true friends. Thank you. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds. Cambot and I are here for you too, Joel. JOEL: Thanks, Magic Voice. I'm sure Gypsy is too. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. JOEL taps it. ] GYPSY: [ Calling from offstage ] You said it! JOEL: We'll be right back. [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ SOL DESK. Zoobooks are scattered over the table. JOEL, TOM, and CROW are examining different pamphlets. ] CROW: How about the rock hyrax? JOEL: And what's a rock hyrax? CROW: We can give you a weeklong tryout with it, maybe try a bush or tree hyrax if you're not fully satisfied ... TOM: I'm holding out for you as a woylie. It's a cute little kangaroo that feeds on roots, tubers, seeds, and legumes. See the picture? JOEL: Yeah, nice. And what's the hyrax, Crow? CROW: I... uh... have no idea. But if you became one, then we'd know, right? TOM: Yeah, unless he got caught in the mouse traps. [ MADS sign flashes ] JOEL: Hang on, Loopy the Lion and Hardee Har Har are calling. [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER has what looks like a plunger mounted on a water gun; TV'S FRANK is in the background, wearing a bullseye target and holding a SCOOBY-DOO T-shirt. DR. FORRESTER is by a table with considerable clutter on it.] DR.F: Touche, turtle. Our invention this week is based on beating back the horde of lame would-be comedians who make incredibly trivial comments about 'Scooby-Doo.' It's a high-powered gun designed to stop them. It tracks certain characteristics of people who've figured out they can approach being amusing by talking about this overexposed show -- rising levels of unjustified smugness, a clumsily jocular air around them, Scooby Snack Powder... who needs details? TV's Frank will demonstrate. FRANK: [ Sheepish ] Now? DR.F: No, Frank, next week. FRANK: Oh. DR.F: [ Growls, lowers the gun, riffles through the stuff on the desk, making a mess and loud noise. ] NOW! FRANK: OK, like, you notice how it's always the creepy old guy wearing a dumb mask? And how these kids don't have jobs or school or parents or anything? And was Shaggy stoned or what? [ As FRANK talks, DR. F raises the gun and aims. As FRANK finishes talking, DR. F fires the gun, sending the plunger flying to the bullseye. FRANK, "impaled," begins a prolongued death scene as BUGS BUNNY might do. ] DR.F: A sharp, thin needle at the end of the plunger makes your displeasure really stick. [ He begins cackling, and suddenly stops. ] Over to you, Hokey. [ SOL DESK. The brouchures are cleared away; JOEL, TOM, and CROW all have hefty instruction manuals. TOM and CROW's are opened. ] JOEL: Anyone who lives long enough, be he Hal Jordan, Ken Connell, Ralph Hinkley, or Joel Robinson, will eventually be host to benevolent aliens who grant one a ring, tatoo, suit, or some other token of almost unlimited power to use for the good of humanity. CROW: But will you know how to use it? TOM: Great power carries with it great responsibility, and you must be prepared to use that power efficiently and for the good of all. JOEL: [ Showing off his book ] Which is why we've created the nigh-omnipotent token's user's manual! TOM: Indexed, cross-referenced and with a web site for newly discovered twists, this guide will help any new superhero do his or her best possible good. CROW: See, here, 'Earth threatened by gigantic comets'...simply power up and move the comets out of the way. TOM: Whereas under 'City threatened by nuclear missiles'... use your powers to turn the missiles into giant sticks of butter. JOEL: Have to move your entire legion of friends in a hurry? Fire up your token and expand your hands, then fly them all there! CROW: Keep your excessively large hands out of your line of sight, or flight will become erratic. TOM: What do you think, sirs? [ DEEP 13. FRANK is gasping, continuing the act. DR. FORRESTER is at the camera, sneering. ] DR.F: Infinitely clever, mes amis. Your pain this week is a beauty of an Animaniacs fanfic entitled "Skippy's Mom," by one Charles "Runt-Abu" Brown. It's the heartworming story of Skippy Squirrel as -- could you see this one coming -- he finds his Mom. Read it and weep, my little Nimrods of the nitrate stocks. [ FRANK groans ] DR.F: Oh, suck it in, wimpy. [ SOL. As before. ] CROW: Heartworming? TOM: Runt-abu? [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] JOEL: Later! We got movie sign! [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in. ] > --------------29934A6D602B TOM: In the year twenty-nine ninety-three... uh... four A six D six hundred and two B. > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Due to circumstances outwith my control CROW: For example, the images in Pringles commercials... > and the fact that I'm a sick > puppy (No really I have a killer headcold JOEL: From outer space! > ...) here _is_ the CORRECT > version of Skippy's Mom. (I Hope) > I would personally like to apolgise CROW: Maybe 'correct' is an exaggeration? > to anyone who has already read the > orginal posting TOM: It's the latest in fanfic technology, the story that makes fun of itself. > found that it did not finshed and has given the entire > plot away. > Anywho at last a mere 28+ hours over due here is Skippy's Mom JOEL: This is good. I've always wanted to see a "Family Ties" fanfic. > > --------------29934A6D602B > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; name="PS6.TXT" TOM: It's us-ascii versus them-ascii in an all-out battle for world domination! > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit CROW: Shave and an inflation-adjusted haircut. > Content-Disposition: inline; filename="PS6.TXT" > > /---------------\ > | Skippy's | Charles "runt-abu" Brown would like to dedicate this > | Mom | story JOEL: Before the second reel is out, to landing a cartoon character on the moon and bringing him safely back to Max and Dave Fleischer. > to the following individuals who lived in a > |An A! Fanfic by| world full of darkness but are now in the light. CROW: Thomas Edison, Christine McGlade, and Morris Udall. > | runt-abu | Princess Diana, Mother Teresa and to all those who morn TOM: Need an Abu but can't afford to own one? Come on down and runt one, on daily or weekly schedules. Exit 13 on the Northway. > \---------------/ them; This is there space of memorial:- > ======================================================================== > ========================= > > > > > CROW: Is it naptime? > > > > > > JOEL: This is the worst Rorschach test I've ever seen. > > > > > > > > > TOM: It is a chance for us to get a spoon and tunnel our way out. > > ======================================================================== > ========================= > Thank you for remebering JOEL: We forget what. > ======================================================================== > ========================= > Legal type stuff:- CROW: You know, 14 inch paper, note pads, writs, attainers. *Stuff* > > This document is Copyright (C) 1997 Charles "Runt-Abu" Brown > (runt@ooh.dircon.co.uk). All rights reserved. TOM: In fact, they're downright timid. They've got to meet new people. > > The characters of the Warner Siblings and related characters are > copyright and trademark Warner Bros. Animation, and are used without > permission. JOEL: Also without socks. > Their use within this work of fiction is in no > way, meant to infringe or steal that copyright, nor to dilute the > characters themselves. TOM: That happened by accident when I spilled paint thinner. > No profit on the part of the author is made > from this document, and this document is used only for entertainment > purposes. If there are any legal problems with this document, CROW: Please review randomly selected episodes of "These Are The Days" until your head explodes. > please > contact the author to make arrangements to amend these legal > difficulties. JOEL: [ Raising his hand ] Uh, waiter? There's a lawyer in my soup. TOM: Keep your voice down, or everybody'll want one. > > This work may be freely distributed in any media CROW: So if you ever wanted to compose a Gregorian Chant based on an Animaniacs fanfic, here's your chance. > as long as it is not; altered for its original > form, and that no money is charged for the document itself. JOEL: I like reading these notices just to see credit given to the Vitagraph Corporation. CROW: [ Announcer voice ] Vitagraph. You know the name, you have no idea what we do, and we like it that way. Vitagraph. > It may be > included on any archive collection under the same terms. TOM: It's only to be included in free-range archives. > ======================================================================== > ========================= > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > ------ JOEL: This is going to be a hard "Hangman" puzzle. > Prelogue CROW: That's it. Did somebody go back in time and step on a butterfly while we weren't looking? > -------- > Skippy Squirrel stared out his wooden window into the dark night, TOM: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo... > clouds over head covered the half moon and obscured the stars. > His aunt slappy came in, "What'cha thinking about Skippy?" She asked > gently. CROW: [ As Skippy ] Whether the Trix rabbit is actually being tortured by various kids or if he just stumbled across the alien technology from "Forbidden Planet" and is now denied cereal by the monsters of his own id. > "Oh nothing.." Skippy replied instinctivly. > "You were wondering about your mom again weren't you." Slappy said > softly. JOEL: The way you never do on the show. > Skippy's attitude suddenly changed, became darker, sadder. CROW: Skippy Squirrel *is* Batman! JOEL: Or... Bat... Squirrel... Man. > "Yeah... I.. I just wish I had know who she was.." He whispered. TOM: Mostly he hopes it wasn't any of the squirrels from "The Thanksgiving That Almost Wasn't." > "Now Skippy what have I always told you?" Slappy demanded. > "Never to mix up dynamite with candy." Skippy paused for a second; > "Always use live ammunition CROW: As a hand lotion? > and ...." > "And actions do things; thoughts don't..." Slappy finshed for him. TOM: Unless your thoughts are being dubbed in for the audience. > "Tommorrow morning we'll go down to the hall of records and find your JOEL: Embarassing 70s glam rock album. > mom... If you go to bed now..." > "Gee that'd be great Aunt Slappy!" Skippy said excitedly. > "Come on kiddo, time for lights out...." CROW: Our animators ran out of money. > Slappy said tucking Skippy in. > > Chapter 1 - Hall of Records TOM: [ As Ted Knight ] Here at the fabulous Hall of Records, the Superfriends struggle to complete a property title search. > --------------------------- > The hazy sunlight filtered into Skippy's room, Skippy still asleep > bundled the blanket around his head to keep the light out. > "Skippy, it's time to get up..." JOEL: C'mon, they spun off Buttons and Mindy to another show and we have to do double duty. > Slappy shouted from somewhere > donwstairs. > "Okay Aunt Slappy." Skippy said tiredly. > Skippy clambered out of bed CROW: And awoke with a clatter; he sprung to the window to see what was the matter. > and headed down stairs. > "You ready to find out about your Mom?" Slappy asked sarcasticly. > "Hunh?" Skippy replied still half asleep, in fact more like 75% asleep... TOM: 83 and 94/44ths percent asleep. CROW: What, he doesn't know whether he's awake or asleep? JOEL: Must be a school day. > "Hall of records this morning, no?" prompted Slappy. CROW: Touch any part of this squirrel to continue. TOM: "I don't see the 'Any' part." > "Oh of course..." Skippy said tiredly. CROW: Adverbs: The bread crumbs of the English language. > > After a filling breakfast of Nutritionly lacking suger coated generic > ceral JOEL: Generic cereal. For your generic comedic needs. > Skippy and Slappy went to the hall of records for all the 'toons > in Burbank. TOM: But they're in Lompoc. > "Here we are kiddo, you're about to meet with your past, CROW: I *told* you to wash out your lunchbox at the start of summer. > it may > be unpleasant..." Slappy intoned. > "That's okay, no matter what I find inside, JOEL: I'll still have a song in my heart. > you'll still be here > for me Aunt Slappy." Skippy said cheerfully. > The big double doors to the hall of records swung open CROW: Hellooooooooooooo... JOEL: Helloooooooooo... TOM: Hellooooooo... > as skippy > and slappy walked inside. > "Good morning..." Said a familer voice from behind the counter, it was > Hello Nurse. > "What are you doing here?" Demanded Slappy. TOM: Chapter 18A-65A of the Uniform Fanfic Code requires that as many bit characters as the author can name be jammed into the story somewhere. > "Oh Warners don't pay me enogth to work as just a nurse so I work > here part time to make ends meet, and I've not be in a cameo for quite > some time..." Hello Nurse replied. JOEL: Say what you want about the rest of the story, but Hello Nurse is showing ten times as much personality here as she ever did on the TV show. > "Oh Carefull there.." She shouted as skippy was about to step in some > oil. "Yakko and Wakko came here earlier, they're still not quite over > it.." Hello Nurse said pointing to the pools of oil. CROW: Apparently Yakko and Wakko just joined the Autobots. > "Yeah yeah yeah..." Slappy said impatiently. JOEL: [ Flatly ] She loves you; you know you should be glad. > "Look can you tell > my nephew here who his mom was?" CROW: I hope it's that lethally cute squirrel from that old Chuck Jones cartoon that tried to open a coconut, remember? > "No." Hello Nurse said promptly. > "Okaaayy Then what are we doing here?" Slappy asked. TOM: [ Whispering ] We're ganging up on "Histeria." Don't snicker. CROW: Not a problem. > "Oh no Miss Squirrel, I can't tell your nephew, JOEL: That would be cheating. > but I can > show him which file it would be in.." Hello nurse replied. > "Well, we don't have all day..." Slappy impatiently muttered. CROW: It's the file marked "Who is Skippy's Mom?" > "Let me just feed his details into the computer, okay Name, TOM: John Randolph Bray Process. > Age, CROW: I'm only three and a half years old. > Character JOEL: Half-orc Fourth-level Paladin/Magic-User. > and ID#" TOM: Or monsters of the ID number. > Hello nurse asked politely > "Skippy, I'm 8 and I'm a squirrel!" Skippy exlaimed. CROW: Don't you watch the show? What's your problem? > "My Id number is A1SQIP3" TOM: Aluminum Squip Oxide? > "Thank you Skippy.." Hello nurse gently spoke, "The computer is coming > up with the details now.." JOEL: Ah, here it is. You're scheduled for crossovers with the Rescue Rangers, Battlestar Galactica, and Lottery. > The computer made lots of grindy disk noises, TOM: You know, DOS 3.3 did include the 'black pepper' option. > Skippy, Slappy > and Hello Nurse covered thier ears in pain. > The computer suddenly stopped, CROW: Looked at the audience, shouted "People!" and ran through the wall. > Hello nurse looked shocked as she > looked at the screen. > "Is something wrong?" Asked Skippy. > "I'm not sure..." TOM: "What do words mean, again?" > She replied. "Look!" She said turning the screen > around. Skippy stared at the screen, large flashing red letters continuly > blipped up. "NO RECORD FOUND?!" > Slappy shouted, "What's that supposed to mean?!" CROW: [ Eagerly ] It means anyone who does even *one* upside-down jumping jack on a bed of pizza rolls gets in the Guinness Book! > "It may just be a system failure I'll get the mechanic on to it right > away." TOM: We must rotoscope the turtle I have Minnesota saw marbles once. > She said running off to fetch a mechanic. > > A short while later Hello nurse returned with a monkey. > "Who's he?" Skippy asked indignetly. JOEL: Head of programming for UPN. > "Abu, pleased ta meet ya!" CROW: We've really needed to runt you out to someone! > The monkey replied, "I'm the mechanic." > Abu took out a small laptop and plugged it into the large PC that _was_ > the hall of records mainframe. JOEL: Back in the good old days, before SpeedScript ruined everything. TOM: What? > Abu tapped away franticly with the keyboard and it was almost an hour > before he said anything. CROW: Maybe he should wiggle the plug? > "This is not good..." Abu said looking at Skippy. TOM: I am *so* tanking on NetTrek. > "According to this there is no Skippy Squirrel..." Abu finished. > "How can that be?" Asked Skippy tearfully. JOWL: The crossover you were scheduled to do with "Sportsnight" vanished without a trace, and took you with it. > "Probably just a mistake at the hospital kid." Abu said trying to > cheer Skippy up. CROW: That is a pretty cheery thing to say. > "A hospital could do a INK test on you Skippy." Hello Nurse offered, TOM: 'Cause, see, INK is like DNA for a cartoon. > "That way we could then match your INK CROW: Get it? 'Cause a cartoon has INK rather than DNA. > to all the INK's in our database > and find out that way.." JOEL: [ Slapping TOM's shoulder ] HA HA! INK! Get it? INK! TOM: That hurt. > "I'm not sure..." Slappy started, but then she saw Skippy crying. > "Come on, let's go to the hospital..." TOM: I don't go to the hospital, but I play someone who does on TV. > > Chapter 2 - INK > --------------- > Skippy sat nervously in the waiting room, Slappy beside him > equally as nervous. CROW: I got edgy just reading that sentence. > A George Clooney clone TOM: Clooney cloney Clooney cloney Clooney cloney. [ JOEL puts his arm on TOM's shoulder. ] > walked by causing both of them to stare as he > went. CROW: Both of them? > "Skippy Squirel to room 1, Skippy Squirel to room 1." TOM: B-14. B-14. JOEL: Captain Picard to the bridge. Captain Picard to the bridge. CROW: Service manager to register three, please. Service manager to register three, please. > The voice came > over the intercom. TOM: The face came over the jukebox. > "No matter what happens inside..." Slappy started speaking very softly. > "You still be there for me..." Skippy finished. JOEL: In that Ambrose Bierce way she has. > The doctor looked very stern as Skippy entered the room, it was pretty > much a normal 'toon doctor's office. CROW: So we're not going to waste time with setting. > If you can call a 'toon's doctor > office normal... JOEL: If you give a mouse a cookie. > "Look Skippy, I'll be honest with you, these results are A) Not good and > B) very strange." TOM: Uh... I'll take A. CROW: B! I want B! TOM: B! Maybe! CROW: I'll take 'True'! JOEL: I'm going to write in 'Beethoven.' > The doctor said with great precision. > "Oh, there's nothing wrong with me..." CROW: Eh... nothing an apprenticeship to Rocky the Flying Squirrel couldn't cure. > Skippy started, "I'm just here for > an INK sample.." > "Yes, I know that, but unfortunatly the tests revealed something we did > not expect, CROW: So there's no point in taking the sample first. > if you would not mind waiting outside Skipy, I'd like to have > a word with your Aunt..." TOM: Specifically, the word 'anisotropic.' > Skippy looked up at his aunt with _that_ pleading looking in his eye. > "Sorry, kid. If the doctor says wait outside, CROW: You go into the wacky routine where you keep showing up in his coat pockets and his cabinets and his sink and his car until he gives up and tells you the cool stuff? TOM: No; that's what happens in a cartoon. > you wait outside..." Slappy > finished quickly looking away from Skippy. > Skippy jumped down off the chair and left the doctor's office closing the > door behind him. CROW: Nice of the doctor's office to close the door for him. > He pressed his ear hard against the door but it was sound proofed and he > could not here anything. So he sat outside TOM: And found somebody'd stolen the fire escape. Whoops! JOEL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuu! > and waited reading one of the > terrible magazines that are indigionus to doctor's offices everywhere. JOEL: National Geographic report on "Oregon: Idaho's tricky pal." CROW: People magazine tells us about the wild life of Gabe Kaplan. TOM: Popular Mechanics shows us the future of Popular Mechanics covers. > After reading every magazine several times the doctor's office finally > reopened. JOEL: [ As Doctor ] Are you still here? > Slappy stepped outsidem something was really wrong as even her flower was > drooping more then normal. TOM: Somebody forget to water the squirrel this morning. > She took Skippy by the hand and lead him in without saying a word. CROW: I've seen better bedside manners from tests of the Emergency Alert System. > "Skippy, I've had a long chat with your ahem, aunt here." JOEL: And your aardvark over there. > The doctor > stared, he said aunt with a tone of disgust. > "Yes I had noticed..." Skippy retorted. > The doctor continued unpreturbed by Skippy's remark. "and well you've > probably already guessed TOM: What would happen if you sneezed and hiccoughed at the same time. > that something must be pretty wrong.." The > doctor continued. > "Oh boy here it comes..." Skippy whispered. JOEL: You're scheduled to guest star in a Due South/Babylon 5/My Little Pony crossover fanfic. > "The fact is that your INK is not that of a toon squirrel." > Skippy looked at the doctor in disbelif. CROW: Yes, I'm afraid your ink is actually distilled "Ask Beth" columns. > "Come again!" He said shocked. > "You are not a squirrel, your INK is more that of a toon cat..." JOEL: Toon cat! The most incredible leader of the pack! TOM: INK! Get it?! > The > doctor concluded. > "Get real!" Skippy managed to joke. > "I am quite serious, we checked the results three times, each time they > came up the same..." TOM: Your original character design involved bellbottom pants. > Was the last thing Skippy heard before he > fainted.... > > > Chapter 3 - Skippy the cat JOEL: Or bush kangaroo. Whatever. > -------------------------- > "Well I don't see how it could be anyone else..." said Hello nurse's > distorted voice. TOM: It *must* be the president calling. He asked about Prince Albert. > "I think we should check again, I mean she's never even had a kid so how > could it be her?" a less distorted voice came from Abu. CROW: They're cartoon characters. They reproduce by photocopier. JOEL: That's... a pretty deep concept, actually. > "How ya doing kid?" asked Slappy who's sounded fairly normal. > "I had a horrible nightmare Aunt Slappy.." TOM: I dreamed I couldn't get the INK joke and I had it repeated to me over and over and over again. > Skippy started > "Sorry kid, no nightmare..." Slappy replied sadly she held up a mirror > for Skippy, a strange looking kitten looked back. CROW: Hey, it's Winnie Witch's kid! TOM: Hiya, kid! > "What, what?" Skippy stammered pointing at the reflection, "Me...?!" > "Yeah, scary. JOEL: But evocative of really ancient cartoons like Felix the Cat and his contemporaries, when stretch and squash *meant* something. > Doc says the fright returned you to your true form..." > Slappy explained solmely. > "Look it can't be her!" Abu screamed. TOM: "We only dated once!" > Then suddenly looked at where > Skippy and Slappy where to see them glaring at him. CROW: Here are some more words for you. Them are at taping hamster road mill lighting wire on delivery. > "What they arguing about?" Asked Skippy. TOM: Hammers. I don't know why. > Hello nurse was the one to answer his question, "_I_ think I've found > your real mom..." She said. CROW: Here, see this web site? www.who_skippy's_real_mom_is_and_how_to_find_her.com? > "But it can't be her.." Abu interjected once again. > "And Abu disagrees with me.." Hello Nurse retorted. > "So who is my mom..." Skippy enquired tentivly. JOEL: It's so awkward when characters ask each other for a first date. > "Well I think..." Hello Nurse started > "Even though it can't be..." Abu interupted. > "I THINK IT'S....." TOM: HIS SLED! > > Chapter 4- Skippy's Mom JOEL: Hey, I read a story about that once. > ----------------------- > "WHAT?! You can not be serious!! CROW: Since they're cartoon characters, you'd hope not. > How could Skippy be my son?! What; like > I just happened to forget having a kitten?" TOM: Who was a squirrel. > Rita screamed at hello nurse. > "But the INK test is conclusive, Skippy is a perfect INK match for your > son..." Hello nurse defended. JOEL: Hello Nurse took Paul Lynde to block. > Rita just moaned. TOM: Rita takes Caroline Rhea to win. > "I suppose if you REALLY squint and streched out his face, gave him a > good singing voice, blue eyes and made him a lot smaller CROW: He'd pass for Frank Sinatra? > he could just > about pass for being a cat!" Rita shouted. TOM: Especially considering he already is one. > She wondered out of the alley and over to Skippy Squir... Cat. JOEL: A story really shouldn't be uncomfortable being left by itself. > Skippy stared at her and then at his "Aunt" Slappy. > Skippy moved towards Rita slowly, his new longer thiner tail tangled > up in his feet and he tripped and rolled into Rita's legs. CROW: Haha! See? Comedy. Sort of. JOEL: That's the fault of the medium. It would've worked in animation. TOM: Maybe. > Rita picked him up by the scruff of the neck TOM: Or the nape of his neats. > and placed him on his feet > again. > "Mom?" Skippy asked softly. CROW: No, just fellow supporting cast. > Rita looked down at the small kitten and smiled a bit. > "Maybe kid, maybe..." TOM: If you're not afraid of the vacuum cleaner, I have a place for you in my organization. > Slappy stood looking at Rita and her "new son" with tears in her eyes. > Rita saw Slappy's tears and had a great idea... > "Slappy, I was just wondering, now i've a kid _AND_ a dog to look after CROW: And I have to lead a starship half-crewed with Maquis rebels back across 70,000 light years of uncharted space. > if we could find a home somewhere, I mean even just a simple TREE house > would be great..." CROW: A simple tree house? But Slappy's tree house has central heating, satellite TV, and no extradition treaties. TOM: Mm...how's the rent? CROW: One abu a month. TOM: I oughta slug you. > Rita hevily emphsised the tree bit but it still took > Slappy a few seconds to recognise what Rita was proposing. JOEL: [ As Slappy ] Yeah, I can introduce you to Jennifer of the Jungle. > "I think that would be a great idea..." Slappy said tearfully, but these > were tears of happiness. TOM: No. I would believe in Margaret Chase Smith breakdancing before I would believe in Slappy having tears of happiness. CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand. JOEL: Sure thing. [ ALL exit ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ SOL DESK. GYPSY, CROW and TOM are reviewing papers on the desk. JOEL enters, playing paddleball. ] CROW: Oh, yes, fascinating. GYPSY: Keen. CROW: It's like a blueprint to our futures. JOEL: [ Continuing to play ] Having fun, guys? CROW: [ Pretentious ] Fun, Joel? We seek our destiny. TOM: And it's real easy to get, too. JOEL: I'm going to dig deep here and guess you guys have decided to give INK tests to yourselves? CROW: Of course not. GYPSY: Duh. CROW: We don't have INK. TOM: So we took the B-O-T tests. CROW: And worked them out for ourselves. TOM: Not just ourselves! Everyone! History belongs to those with the perfect B-O-T sequence coursing through their bloodstreams. CROW: For instance, it turns out my future will lead inevitably to me being fed ice cream sandwiches all day while watching E! network fashion specials. JOEL: Uhm... yeah. TOM: And I shall someday have a lucritive career constructing models of 'Arcee,' the sometimes-seen female Transformer, out of everyday articles found around the house while being treated to pudding cups and frozen White Castle hamburgers by my kind and willing servents. JOEL: Uhhuh. And Gypsy? GYPSY: I'm going to direct the live-action "Speed Buggy" movie. TOM: And be Executive Producer for "Jabberjaw: The Next Generation." JOEL: With an able-bodied, devoted staff of followers, right? TOM: Follower, actually. GYPSY: Just one. JOEL: Would this be the same guy serving Crow and Tom all day? GYPSY: Oh yeah. TOM: He'd get regular coffee breaks. With popcorn priveleges. CROW: Yeah. And it could be any... kindhearted, kinda cute guy, really. JOEL: But it's going to be me, right? CROW: Well, we'd have to work up your BOT tests to know. TOM: Pump it through the gene sequencer, test sample growth within controlled media, extensive electron microscopy... CROW: But, yeah, it's gonna be you. GYPSY: Yup. TOM: No way around it, Joel. JOEL: Could I see the raw data on this? GYPSY: We made everything up. CROW: It's the only way to be objective. JOEL: I've got to get you three more board games. TOM: Can we get a DVD player instead? [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] JOEL: Later -- we got movie sign! [ General pandemonium. ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in ] > > Chapter 5 - The start JOEL: Shouldn't that have happened before the fifth chapter? > --------------------- > Rita and her new son Skippy had moved in with Slappy almost a month ago > now, TOM: No, no, not a month ago now -- a month ago back then. CROW: When, just now? JOEL: No, we passed then already. It's nearer now. TOM: Nearer to now or nearer to then? CROW: Then, then, or the then just now? JOEL: Will Rick Moranis please clear the theater? Thank you. > Skippy had almost forgotten about being a squirrel entirly except CROW: In restaurants that offer discounts to rodents under the age of ten. > when late at night he'd wake from a horrible nightmare and not be able to > remeber it, which was a shame as he would never know if it was the or not > nightmare remebering which was worse. JOEL: Black even, raider six, Green odd, seven, Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings. > Rita too had forgotten what it was like to be free, as far as she was > concened Skippy was the most important thing in the world. CROW: Next to the TV Food Network. > Much to the amazement of Runt who after saving the world several times ALL: [ Shaking in disbelief ] Bleahlelalela. > TOM: There's a periodic table of "Runt" stories? CROW: I just had a chilling vision of our future. > had returned only to find that his best friend had new responsiblities. > Slappy did very little, she mostly just sat in her rocking chair staring > at Rita and Skippy playing happily like cats normally do. JOEL: This is the fourth-worst New Year's party I've ever seen. > "Erm Slappy.." Runt said agian. CROW: Agian? See? > "What, oh it's you.." Slappy said sadly. > "I'm worried slappy; about you and about Rita. JOEL: Why do you wear bagels? > You just sit there > everyday doing nothing, the C.E.O. Called, TOM: Apparently, you have a job. > he says that unless you come > in they'll revoke your pay or play contract and make it play for pay, he > said the same thing about Rita and Skippy..." CROW: But if being a wandering homeless cat is just a part why did Rita need a home or... JOEL: It's really not healthy to wonder about the metaphysics of cartoons. TOM: Yeah, if you keep that up you'll end up trying to establish Barney Rubble's job. > He stopped himself > mid-sentence, "I don't think anyone has told the studio about him yet." > Slappy just ignored Runt and stared at an old picture of Skippy. CROW: I think she's missed the point of a screen saver. > Runt snapped his claws and Slappy came around. TOM: [ As Slappy ] "You know, no matter how packed with peanuts, Snickers just doesn't satisfy me." > "Slappy a wise old friend of mine once said actions do things; > thoughts don't..." Runt said gently. JOEL: Coincidentally, Slappy said that too, but not anywhere near Runt. > Slappy for the first time in a while listened, she sat up. > "You know something Runt, you're right..." CROW: Playing tennis with potato chips is just dumb. > Slappy replied leaving her > chair, she walked over to a large desk and opened it, from inside she > took another key TOM: Ah, the key to the mystery! JOEL: There is no mystery. TOM: That's why we need the key to it. JOEL: Ooooh... > and went across the room to a small drawer which she > unlocked as well, there where a row of 10 keys she counted along to the > 8th key and took it CROW: She then ignored the eighth key and took the first one. > she then went a picture of skippy and herself hanging > the wall she moved on it away to revel a safe. JOEL: It's a 1/6th scale safe, she had to build it from a kit. > "I've never seen that before.." Skippy suddenly said. > "No, nobody except me has..." Slappy replied without looking. TOM: Well, except for Acme Safe Installers. > She put the key carefully into the lock and turned it to the left. > The safe slowly opened with a hiss of air. CROW: Inflatable safes. Much cheaper than the real ones. > "I found this the same time I found you Skippy." JOEL: Before that you were Hoppy and occasionally Jumpy. > Slappy said removing > a small wicker basket from the safe. Inside there was a small tartan > blanket a picture of Skippy as a baby (Really Cute!!) TOM: As opposed to the hideous monster Skippy grew up to be. > and a small letter; CROW: It's just a 'J' printed two Angstroms high. > Slappy unfolded the letter, "It's been almost 8 years since I last looked > at this.. TOM: And since I found Skippy four years ago... > /-------------------------------------\ > | Slappy, I know that you are busy and| > |have a carreer but I am completly mad| > |and unable to take care of Skippy now| JOEL: Percy Crosby's heirs are not doing credit to his estate. > |I know that you will make a good and | > |loving mother, more then I could so | > |take care of my little one and keep | > |him from the shadows... R| CROW: R? TOM: R. CROW: Ar! Skippy learns of his pirate heritage! > \-------------------------------------/" > She finished reading the letter, "I never knew who sent this, or who your > mom was." Slappy finished. JOEL: Course, I never did check the return address. Hey, think that'd be a clue? > "R? Rita!" Skippy excalimed CROW: Isn't that an Italian squid dish? > brushing against rita. > Rita backed off and shook her head. > "I'm afraid not kid, I could not write that letter..." Rita said sadly. TOM: I swore off R's after their despicable actions in the Great Vowel Rebellion. > "Why not?" Skippy asked. > Rita suddenly extened a claw and cut the letter. CROW: Here, kid, let me shred the last elements of your identity. > "Becuase I can't write..." Rita admitted proudly. > "Then what does R stand for?" Skippy asked sadly. JOEL: Skippy's real mother is Roy Hobbs! > "I think I know who might know...." Runt interjected. TOM: [ As Runt ] "But I am the dumbest character on the show, so you may want to double-check." > > Chapter 6 - The Nevada desert > ----------------------------- > "R?" Abu asked, "Hmmm, Well It's worth a try." TOM: All right. Putting aside that Abu is a character from another show, from another company, from another hemisphere, from another millennium... uh... I'm lost; what else is there to put aside? CROW: That he speaks as intelligibly as Donald Duck the day after he got a dental retainer? > Abu typed in some characters on the keyboard. JOEL: Daniel Striped Tiger... Falstaff... and Beldar Conehead. Let's see what comes up. > "Right I'm searching for anyone called R who had a baby 8 years ago." > The computer screen came up with the familer egg timer.... CROW: Search entry found. Deleting data. Have a nice day. > Several hours later the computer beeped loudly. > Abu looked around in a daze, "Oh.." He said. TOM: "I should've turned the computer on first, right?" > Abu typed some more things in and the computer spoke in a mechanical > voice. > "Report: Found three matches. Rags Dog, Romana Squirrel and Roz Cat." > "Okay I think we can rule out Rags to start with..." Abu said ironcily. JOEL: Separated from his loyal pal Crusader Rabbit and mistaken for a dog, poor Rags the Tiger finds himself unable to even get screen time in an Animaniacs fanfic. > "What about the other two?" Slappy asked. CROW: We can rule them out too. What now? > "Let's split up, You and Runt can go after Roz. Rita, Skippy and I will > go for Romana." TOM: Shaggy and Scooby can check down by the old saw mill. > > Runt and Slappy arrived after an overnight ride on the bus in the middle > of nowhere, the Nevada desert. CROW: Oh, this is the one where Slappy and Lucy and Ethel think they found a Uranium mine, and Fred and Ricky try to cheat them out of the claim. > "This is pleasant." Runt said yawning widely. > "Hmmm, it could do with some re-decorating..." Slappy quipped. JOEL: Meanwhile, a horribly confused Ignatz Mouse throws a brick at Skippy. > "So where is this Romana?" Runt asked. > "How am I meant to know?" Slappy asked. > "You still got that letter?" Runt suddenly asked. > Slappy pulled out half of the letter and showed it to Runt. TOM: "It's either an A, an F, an R, or a P. I don't know which. > Runt took a > deep sniff of the letter and then smelt the air around. > "This way..." He said excitedly. CROW: Look! There's a sign that says "This way to Skippy's Real Mom!" > Runt lead Slappy to a small hole in the > ground. > "THIS IS IT?!" Slappy shouted. TOM: No, the hole we want is inside this one. > "Smell's like it..." Runt replied. > "Okay then, you're the one with the nose...." Slappy pointed out. JOEL: Since Dervish and Nemi are nowhere around. CROW: Huh? > A female squirrel poked her head up from the hole. TOM: Eew! The hole's got girl cooties now! > "YELLO!" It screeched. CROW: Teal! TOM: Aquamarine! JOEL: Maroon! > "Hello, do you know this boy?" Slappy asked showing the squirrel the > picture of baby Skippy. > "ME no, I no nothing of cream cheese!" The squirrel replied not looking > at the picture. TOM: Not wacky non sequiturs, but an incredible simulation. > "Are you sure?" Runt asked. > "Why of course Mr Strawberry top..." CROW: She's not mad so much as she is annoying. > The squirrel started, then it saw > the picture and calmed down. "Skippy?" She asked very quietly. > "Yes, Skippy!" Slappy said happily. JOEL: No, we mean Skippy. > The squirrel took the picture of skippy and held it close to her. CROW: "I *loved* Animaniacs back when it was on real TV stations!" JOEL: "Hey, we're on Cartoon Network these days!" CROW: "So is The Funky Phantom." > "Are you Romana?" Runt asked. > "Why yes I am." The squirrel replied. TOM: "I'll be your court-appointed attorney. Have you ever been in traffic court before?" > "Romana, your Son needs you..." Slappy said gently. JOEL: Before he permanently becomes a member of the most media-saturated species on earth. > "Slappy! I knew I recognised you! Is Skippy all right?" Romana asked. > "You'll have to come with us to see if he is okay..." Runt said slyly CROW: Now, I would believe in Elvis Presley coming back to life *just* to pick other people's eye boogers on Letterman's show before I'd believe in Runt speaking slyly. > to > both Romana but mostly to Slappy. > Slappy imediatly so that the dog had a plan TOM: [ As Slappy ] If I collect enough bendy straws, nobody will care who Skippy's real mom is! > and followed his lead. > "Yesss.. Skippy really needs to see you." Slappy followed. > "Well come on, what are we waiting for? Let's go see my son!" JOEL: After eight years of complete neglect. > Romana > yellped. > > Epilogue > -------- > Runt and Slappy arrived back with Romana to find everyone else asleep. CROW: I think that's a typing school exercise. > "This way.." Slappy said quietly, tiptoeing past Abu sleeping on the > couch and into the spare room. TOM: Which is where they keep all their tires. > Skippy was snuggled next to Rita in a large padded basket. > "Skippy..." Romana whispered. > Skippy stirred in the basket, JOEL: Added flour, sugar, and cinnamon; baked for 25 minutes. Served six. > he groaned gently and opened his eyes. > He stared up at the strange squirrel. > "Skippy!" Romana shouted running towards Skippy (in slow motion natch!) CROW: Well, dur. > "MOM!!" Skippy shouted in return then he also started to run towards > Romana. > On the way there Skippy was engulfed in a bright flash of light, TOM: You know, this was always my favorite scene in 'His Girl Friday.' > when > the light cleared he was a squirrel yet again. > Romana and Skippy met in the middle ALL: Bonk! > and gave each other a huge hug. > "So why you been a cat?!" Romana asked. JOEL: Why aren't you a binturong, like God and Tex Avery intended? > "That was the hospitals fault, they said my INK was that of a cat...." > Skippy cried angrily. TOM: [ Authoritative Voice ] If Skippy had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened. > Slappy looked slightly evily at the mention of the hospital... > > The next morning the hospital which had given Skippy the INK test had > mysterousily blown up into several thousand peices, JOEL: Oh, great, now Marrissa Picard will be in charge of Starfleet *forever*. > fortunatly there was > a big warning and nobody was hurt (well nobody that wasn't already > hurt..) CROW: And that makes it all O.K. > "Hi I'm Mary Hartless TOM: I wonder if she was named by the same committee that came up with "Bunnie Rabbot." > and you join me live at the 5th Burbank toon > hospital where last night a huge bomb went off, JOEL: People got big for blocks in every direction. > police said they have no > leads..." CROW: But they're making do with the non-repro markers and light inking. > Slappy smiled coyly at this news. > "I guess we'll be leaving then.." Rita said. > "Yeah, we're defenitly out of here!" Runt quipped. JOEL: They have to go do... > "Hey Aunt Slappy..." Skippy started, it was the first time in quite a > while that Skippy had called her that. TOM: Did you know you can't fold an acorn? > "Can Rita and Runt come back and visit?" Skippy finished. > "Well that would only be fair..." Slappy replied. CROW: Considering how they were inconvenienced by being given a home and family for a month, and now are being thrown out on the street the instant their usefulness is questionable. > "Thanks Slappy... Thanks for everything..." Rita said. > "I should be the one thanking you, TOM: What with the way you tore all the labels off our canned goods and all. > but before you go tell me; would he > have made a good cat?" > Rita glanced at Skippy, "Nah, CROW: I was just stringing along his hopes to crush them later. > he did not have the claws for it..." She > joked. Skippy hearing this tried to pounce on Rita but she moved out of > the way. > "See what I mean..." Rita concluded. > Rita and Runt left waving bye to Skippy, Slappy and Romana JOEL: Romana mana fo fana... > as they went. > "And what of you Romana?" Slappy asked. TOM: You know... CROW: Don't. TOM: *Romana* ... wasn't bilked in a day! CROW: Thank you so much. > "Well I think I'll try again in showbiz.." she said jokingly. "And then > who knows..." JOEL: Maybe they'll throw me into "Pinky and the Brain" too. > "You would always be welcome here..." Slappy offered. CROW: You know, where your *child* is? > > Postlogue TOM: I want to make a Captain's Log joke, but we've used them all up, haven't we? JOEL: Yeah, they're all gone. CROW: Sorry, Tom. > --------- > The battered reamins of the hospital where still smoldering gently well > into the evening. > A strange looking doctor JOEL: Identity withheld to protect Charles "Runt-Abu" Brown's sources. > came along and picked up a test tube that had > been remarkably unsmashed in the exsplosion. CROW: However, it was covered with pasghetti. > The doctor picked it up and > read the label: "Sample 01| Skippy| Feline| Male." He looked at the tube > and noticed that something was wrong with the label, TOM: Heeeey! This is *diet* test tube! > there was another > label stuck on top of it. The doctor carfully peeled it back CROW: Aw, there's a wacky Dilbert comic strip on the back! > but it > ripped halfway so that only the last bit of it was readable... JOEL: [ Reading ] "Far, far better rest I go to, than I have ever known"? > " ...line, Male." TOM: Well? Line? Anyone? CROW: They need improv classes. > He held the INK sample JOEL: I hope he doesn't turn into the guy from "Cool World." > up to the light and could just make out the rest of > it. > "Sample 03| Rita | Feline| Female." TOM: Hey, I bet she's got INK like a cat's. > > The End... ALL: Or *IS* it? > ======================================================================== > ========================== > |Plot| TOM: OK, I'm going to secretly build a pneumatic tube system under Manhattan to demonstrate the viability of a subway system there. > \====/ > This is what I started out with, CROW: Fifteen Lego blocks, two packages of bubble wrap, seven basketballs, an olive, and three feet of packing tape. > as you can see it sort of deviated > from the plot.. JOEL: Yeah, the story never did wrap up the packing tape thread! > > (F.Y.I Sqips -> Skippy ala #watertower.) TOM: The wet duck never flies after midnight. > > 1. Skippy and Slappy, Sqips asks about his Mom as he can't remeber (if > only all stories where this simple...) Slappy can't remeber either... > 2. Hall of records, Skippy must have been born CROW: Unless he's from the future and came back in time. > so Sqips and Slappy make > there way to the HOR to find out about Sqips past, TOM: They discover it was pumpkin-flavored. > only imediate > family are allowed to view records so Sqips is the only one to see > the record. CROW: Because letting his legal guardian see it first would be goofy. > 3. Pointless Cameo, JOEL: Hey, Whit Bissell works hard. He deserves to be seen. > yes there has to be at least one gratitus and > pointless cameo in this case it's Chicken Boo in the Hall of records. > 4. Little orphen Skippy. Dark chapter this, Sqips has no record, on any > database. TOM: He *is* from the future! > 5. Echos, Sqips now rather scared goes for a DNA test JOEL: DNA, 'cause that's like DN... hey! > at the local > hospital being the ever efficent service it will take at least 2 > weeks to come back. CROW: They should tie it to a cat, so it comes back the next day. > 6. DNA, so who is Sqips? Well he is called Skippy however his DNA does > not appear to be that of a squirrel, TOM: Well, yeah, you can see how you have to be a cat, with a name like Skippy. > strangly it is more like a cat... > (See A! opening sequence in the U.K. for details of this bizzare plot > turn.) > 7. Kindred spirits. Rita (Sans runt, he's off recovering from saving the > world) JOEL: From... elves... or something. > is brought in to teach Sqips about being a cat. This is where > things get strange. CROW: It turns out Rita is actually 'Slim Pig.' > 8. I am not a cat! JOEL: I am a free number! > Sqips screams at one point, however his DNA and now > his apperance is not agreeing with this. > 9. Skippy's mom, Ahh, wondering when we would get to this, TOM: Turns out to be Jayne Barbera in a *highly* embarassing incident. > Whilst Sqips > has been learing with Rita. Slappy has been off scouring the desert > of Navada looking for Skippy's REAL mom, she finds; wait fot it: JOEL: Gabby, the Town Crier. > A > squirrel by the name of Susan who could be Skippy's mom..... CROW: Or could just be his dietician. Who knows? > 10.Unfortunatly Susan is slightly mad, no she's very mad TOM: Slappy woke her up out of a really cool flashback! > (Imagine One > flew over the cuckoo clock with Susan in it...) JOEL: Okay, now imagine "House of Wax" with Hippety Hopper in it. TOM: Right. Now imagine "Metropolis" with Betty Boop in it. CROW: When you're done with that, imagine "Tron" with Popeye and Olive Oyl in it. > However Slappy drags > her back to her treehouse where.... > 11.Skippy the cat is now quite happily living with Rita CROW: And her cousin Oedipus. > (and Runt who is > now also back...) > Skippy's mom recognises Skippy (How he know looks like a cat for > crying out loud!) and even more bizzarly Skippy recognises her. When > he does hesuddenly flashes with light and becomes CROW: Rodimus Prime! > Skippy Squirrel... > 12.Slappy blows up the hosiptal with Susan Rita's JOEL: Meter maid's! > and Skippy's help > _AFTER_ finding they got the wrong DNA results. > Now if only they had > tripled checked.... TOM: They would have discovered the hospital was actually a trout farm. > (For very observent viewers they may just notice that the bottle says > on it....) CROW: But this ending was omitted for clarity. > ======================================================================== > ====== > Dedication JOEL: Perseverance, faith, hope, and love. > ========== > As well as the dedication at the start I would also like to dedicate this CROW: To landing a cartoon-- JOEL: [ Holding CROW's shoulder ] You're too late. > to the following people for trying to keep me sane over the past week:- > MasemJMouse | Keeper | Colin | Plucky | LeloniBunny | DEViaNT | > Wakkymouse | Wakko | Skippy | ALL (else) at #watertower and ALL at a.t.a. JOEL: And all the ships at sea! Flash! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > ------ > Unexplainable Plot Descrepencies:- > > Okay Chicken Boo morphed into Hello Nurse, TOM: Now, *there's* a disguise. > it does work better with her > rather then chicken boo. > Abu (Yes the monkey from Aladdin and map designer from D.N.R.) snuck > in too this script. CROW: And if he's ever caught, he'll be in a world of trouble. > Animals can become alert in an instant, JOEL: But only if you use the can opener. > so why are Runt and Skippy > tired at some points in the story? TOM: Because they have to walk 700 miles without a break? > Journey to Nevada desert - 'kay I don't know where Burbank is and it's > geographical closeness to Nevada is a total mystery to me! CROW: And consulting an atlas would demand minutes of research. > Susan -> Romana > DNA is now called INK to reflect the fact they are toons. JOEL: Ooooh. CROW: Ah. You get it now? TOM: Yes! Now I see the INK joke. > The computer, don't say anything, CROW: You'll just embarass your mother. > it's not that far away from what > computers can do. JOEL: 'Cause making up wacky stuff would hurt the realism. > The plot ends e.g you know why the INK was such a close > match for Rita and this story has no chance to be continued TOM: Unless, say, Skippy's Mom ever has something to *do* with her son sometime in the future. > (Unlike the > big horrible daily perodi-stories.) Also I think it's a lot better > to finish it with a proper explanation. > > And that's it more or less this story took a mere 15 hours to write JOEL: That's still more than thirty times as long as "Armageddon" took to write. > and > a massive 2 days of planning (but that was mostly 'cause I got lost on > the way TOM: Turns out *he* was wandering through the Nevada desert, looking for Skippy's mom. > and did not know what to write.) > ============================================================================== > | Skippy's Mom 1.1 | 507 Lines | P-S 6 | Ranking 8.6/10 | 9/6/97 21:52 > GMT-1 | > ============================================================================== JOEL: It's good that we were told the exact minute when this story was finished. Otherwise we might miss our orbital window. > /------------------\ > | |Next Week| | > | \---------/ | > | What will it be? | TOM: Who will I kill? > Whilst you are waiting for next weeks fanfic you > |------------------| can try and slove this quaint little puzzle CROW: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and... wait. > |saediynafoledatic | that actually tells you what next weeks fanfic > |ehtdnarenrawokkay | maybe... Good luck as it's probably full of > |ebdluoctirodraugeht\ speeling mistaks! JOEL: Spelling mistakes? Go on, tell us another one. > |hplarhtiwydorap \ > |lanmonehpalacimonortas\ > |ebyamtiwollofotessohci \ CROW: I never got into 'Scattergories.' > |yrotshcihwnognidnepedtnur \ > |dnaatireruteafottontsrifeht \ > |ebyamcifnafskeewtxenroF<--- | TOM: Why is he sending us the Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe? > \-----------------------------/ > > --------------29934A6D602B-- JOEL: And that's a story. [ ALL exit ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. TOM, JOEL and CROW are standing behind the desk. ] TOM: Well, that story raised issues. CROW: Oh, yeah. Uh... like... JOEL: Like, who Skippy's mother is. CROW: Right, right. Fortunately it gave us that neat answer. TOM: Ah, you poor, trusting soul. Do you really think we met the *real* mother of Skippy in that piece? CROW: Are you suggesting a coverup? TOM: I most certainly am! For you see, recently I have come into posession of certain documents -- the source of which must remain anonymous -- that tell me a top-secret research program lead to the creation of Project Skippy. JOEL: I think we all know where this is going, Tom. TOM: JOEL! You're going to ruin the dramatic tension! JOEL: Unless you tie it into where the Milde family went in "Robotman," it's just not going to snag us. TOM: But you've gotta! If you don't... aw... [ TOM ducks off camera, stage right. ] JOEL: [ Walking in from stage right. ] I hate to ruin his fun, but... CROW: I know. You have to be firm. JOEL: [ Patting CROW ] Let's go have an ice cream soda. CROW: Yay! [ They walk off to stage left. ] TOM: [ Coming in from stage right, wearing Rocky the Flying Squirrel aviator goggles and a squirrel tail stuck around his back. ] And lo! I am Skippy's real mom, and I have come to... guys? Hello? [ TOM looks under the desk, and back up again. ] TOM: Now I just feel self-conscious. [ MADS SIGN flashes ] TOM: Ooh... uh, Major *Tom* to ground control. [ TOM snickers ] For the record, the shirt I wear is -- [ abrupt cutoff ] [ DEEP 13. FRANK is on the ground, writhing. DR. FORRESTER is waiting impatiently for him. ] [ FRANK wriggles, kicking his feet up and down again, rolling side to side, making hissing sounds, twitching, et cetera. It continues for several beats, maybe too long. ] DR.F: Would you just get *on* with it already? We *do* have other things to do today. FRANK: Hold your horses, I got one left! DR.F: All right, but make it snappy. [ FRANK pushes himself up as far as he can while lying on his back, takes a loud, deep breath, groans at the top of this arc for several beats. Finally DR. FORRESTER puts his foot on FRANK's chest. ] FRANK: Huh? DR.F: Just push the button on the way down. [ DR. FORRESTER slams FRANK to the ground, as FRANK exhales. ] \ | / \ | / \ | / ----o---- / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright Best Brains, inc. Skippy, Slappy, Rita, Runt, Hello Nurse, and the Animaniacs characters are trademarks of and Copyright Time-Warner. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment and satiric purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights and trademarks is intended or should be inferred. "Skippy's Mom" is copyright Charles Brown and is used with permission. This work is copyright Joseph Nebus. The B-O-T sketch was developed from an idea by Matthew Miller, who pointed the fanfic out to me and also contributed several jokes. If you determine that you or a loved one is a squirrel, run up a tree really fast. > "A hospital could do a INK test on you Skippy." Hello Nurse offered,